Not.
In my defense, there really wasn't any reason for me to watch the Oscars in the first place--I'm assuming the Twilight Trifecta was not in attendance or my Twitter feed would be filled with less "What the fuck?" and more "OMFG, my ovaries exploded and tried to copulate with my television set!!!" accompanied by a multitude of pictures of Robert Pattinson looking ridiculously uncomfortable and smexy as hell. And maybe a few snapshots of the other two. You know, what's-her-face and the wolf-boy.
Let me remind all of you that, prior to Twilight, I lived under a rock when it came to television, movies, and celebrities. I liked what I liked and was extremely vocal when I thought something blew monkey nuts. While the former might have changed (although in a somewhat small way with laser-like focus), I can assure the latter absolutely has not.
I honestly think most of those awards shows are a bunch of marketing ploys and try to use sneaky tactics to get tons of viewers to flock to their boob-tubes in the vain hopes of, say, catching a glimpse of a sexy actor or actress that they hump in their dreams on a regular basis but would probably be reduced to a drooling humanoid who smells vaguely like the pee dripping down their leg should they ever be within close proximity of that person.
Also, the last time I saw the Oscars was about 10 years ago and someone made this gawd-awful punch that contained rum, vodka, and antifreeze and I had to call out of work the next day because I was vomiting profusely from both ends. And if it wasn't the punch, then it was the little pig-in-a-blanket that I dropped on the floor but ate anyway. So I'm little traumatized by the whole Oscars thing.
Anyway, rumor has it that there was some "special" Twilight...thing that was going to happen last night (see the above reference about marketing ploys) and it was going to be super-duper mind-fucking-blowing. Like, JMFHF-I-TOTALLY-FUCKING-CREAMED-MYSELF!!! kind of awesome.
There was no creaming going on when I watched it and -- judging by the disgruntled and slightly homicidal tone of some of the tweets I read today -- most of you were equally unimpressed. I clicked on this link fully expecting to be wowed. Instead, I feel like someone just jabbed a rusty screwdriver in my ear.
The "surprise" was quite possibly THE most obnoxious fucking thing I've ever sat through. My ears are bleeding and it's all I can do not to throw this laptop across the fucking room and stomp all over the speakers because - WHAT THE FUCK??? Whoever thought that was a good idea needs to be checked for lobotomy scars because I'm 130% positive you will find them.
If you're a glutton for punishment (and I know you are), here is the video. You've been warned.
Clearly, this year's Oscars sucked. There was no Robert Pattinson in attendance and I was just audio-ly raped by the suckfest of all suckfests that was that ridiculous fucking segment.
{{Takes a deep breath}}
Okay, I swore I wasn't going to turn into a total rageball over this so let's talk about something else.
Like how FUCKING SHITTY that video is. I mean, people actually stayed up and waited to see that thing. Like, put shit on hold or changed their plans to watch the Twilight shout-out, only to get smacked in the twat by that atrocity. I would have been monumentally fucking irate if I had put my porn-reading on the back burner to watch that.
I can only imagine the conversation that went into making that masterpiece of total-fucking-suck.
Maybe it went something like this:
Numnuts - Okay man, we like, totally need to suck in those Twilight freaks and trick 'em into watching the Oscars.At any rate, if the folks who produced the Oscars try this shit (literally) next year, they're going to be in a for a rude awakening because people were... unhappy. And I'm kind of looking forward to it -- if there is one thing you don't want to do, it's fuck with the Twilight fandom. I heard them's some crazy bitches...
Asshat - Yeah! {Fists pumps} Wait, what? Hold on, let me do a few more hits of this concoction I developed in my mom's basement -- it's bleach, ammonia and kitty litter. F-U-C-K-S you up, dude! {Fists pumps, falls over}
Numnuts - Okay, okay! I got it!! Those Twilight losers LOVE the wolf-guy, right? They totally start making out with each other every time his baby nipples show up on screen. So, let's include him!
Asshat - Yeah! Here's to chicks makin' out with other chicks. And that hot chick from Harry Potter!
Numnuts - What does that have to do with Twilight? Meh, fuck it. They'll dig it anyway. What are we talking about again?
And on that note, I'm off to watch Charlie Sheen have a meltdown so I can stop focusing on my own.