Friday, December 21, 2012

Santa Loves Twilight! We Love Santa!

We here at Twitarded wish you all a very safe and happy holiday season. And because we love you and Twilight so much... here's a little gift.


Sunday, December 9, 2012

Best gif EVER.

I CAN'T STOP STARING AT THIS.


Photobucket ...somehow this is just "why we love him" all wrapped up into one impossible-to-look-away-from gif. {{{le sigh}}}

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Bill Condon Bids a Fond Farewell to the Saga

This letter from Bill Condon was posted on the Twilight Facebook page a couple of days ago (I think...wtf do I know about Facebook??? I am a fb holdout!) and it made me a little teary... Get the tissues out - again! *sigh*

Greetings To Our Global Twihard Family

by The Twilight Saga on Sunday, November 25, 2012 at 9:07am ·
Greetings to our global Twihard family,

On the flight now from Madrid to Berlin, I wanted to check in one last time, as you're finally getting a look at what we've all been working on so intensely.  It's hard to believe that after our Berlin premiere tonight, my TWILIGHT journey will finally come to a close.  It's been almost three years since I first wrote to you.  I'm very proud of what we've created together since then, and I hope that PART II fulfills your expectations for the grand finale to Stephenie's sprawling saga. Fingers crossed that you've also managed to stay at least mostly spoiler-free, in order to enjoy the twists and parting gifts we have in store for you...

Thank you again for making me feel like a member of your fandom family online...for sleeping in The Line in San Diego in order to laugh with us in Hall H...for traveling great distances to join us in L.A. for last year's Tent City and this year's Fan Camp.  Above all, thank you for trusting me with this universe you care so deeply about - we tried to match your intensity in our attention to every detail.  That said, I don't think I'll ever live down the shame of being spied on by Twihard covens around the world on our very first night of shooting in Rio.  Thanks to photos shot and instantly posted online of Bella and Edward on their honeymoon, we were called out in real time for missing a certain engagement ring...  (Sorry -- again!)

As with you all, what I'll take with me from my time in Forks are so many great friendships - our massive cast of talented actors, and new creative partners such as Melissa Rosenberg, Guillermo Navarro and Phil Tippett.  I hope to know them all for years and to work with them again soon, making movies yet to be dreamed up.  At the L.A. premiere Monday night, Phil said we should make a "bloody, giant monster movie."  But is there room for a musical number?

See you at the theatre.

Forever,
Bill


Monday, November 26, 2012

More Bad Lip Reading: New Moon

Ok so we're a bit behind the times here what with that pesky holiday last week and all. But if you haven't seen it yet, feast your eyes on the latest gem from those hysterical Bad Lip Reading folks. Just make sure you don't have to pee because if you do, you're gonna go in your pants. This is some funny shit.




If I ever get a pet rabbit, I'm naming him Dougie.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Four Year, Five Movies and A Million Thanks!

Nearly four years ago, a friend handed me a book called Twilight and said, "here, I think this is a book right up your alley." I shrugged, took the book and never looked back. Over the next two weeks I did nothing but work and read and work and read and when it was over, I started back at the beginning. Like all of you did. Several times.


And now, I sit here in the silence of my living room, still a bit emotionally fragile after finally seeing Breaking Dawn Part 2 and I feel a little like New Moon Bella... I'm curled up on my couch in my sweats watching the last four years flash by like changing seasons. And looking at what my life has become. I almost think I waited to see the movie because I knew that was admitting it was really over.


This would sound extremely strange to any non-fan, but to you, it will sound normal. Twilight has made my life better. Those four books, innocently penned by Stephenie Meyer, have given me so much to be thankful for. Frankly, I'm so jealous of those of you who got to meet her in LA at the premiere and tell her things. And give her notes. I sent her a fan letter years ago. I don't know if she ever received it but if she did, she knows.


I have met some really awesome folks along the way. Not only here in Maine, but clear across the country, across the pond and even down under. People that, regardless if there's another Twilight movie ever, will be an integral and important part of my life. These are people I talk to on a daily basis, at times more often than my own mother (you know who you are). People I turn to for support and advice and my daily dose of laughter.


At the end of Breaking Dawn this afternoon, I sobbed. Not so much because the movie itself was sad, but for the memories Twilight has awarded me. (Ok, I sobbed because of the movie too.) If you haven't seen the movie yet... trust me, bring the tissues. I had a pocket full of them that were not easily accessible and ended up using my sleeve. Have them ready. Seriously.


Lastly, I would like to extend my biggest "thanks" to Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You -- because without them, there is no us. I love you girls more than you'll ever know and I'm grateful every day you're in my life.

Now someone please hold me.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

OMEJMFHF IT'S HERE! Psyched! And Sad...

Hi! Sorry it's been a while... We've kinda dropped the ball here, almost four years in. FOUR  YEARS! I feel like we have let you down. As The Grande Finale approached it was hard to wrap my head around it. I have such mixed feelings - when we started this blog, 2012 seemed as impossibly far away as Edward is impossibly fast and strong. And yet here we are, almost four years and TWO MILLION page views later. The weird thing? We got our 2,000,000th page view TODAY, according to Blogger stats. The EXACT SAME DAY as the U.S. release of Breaking Dawn II. How's THAT for a coincidence??? I had long guestimated that the two would happen at roughly the same time, but it's kinda eerie on some level that it's the same freaking day. In a good way. I think...

Anyway, I've been following along this past week - Tent City in LA, the press tour,  Kristen Stewart's "I refuse to wear clothes you can't see through" bender -


Granny panties and see-through lace! Also? Nice ass (not that I was wondering...) & she looks gorgeous.

Nipple-cover-uppers and see-through and lace!

 OK - JEEBUS! We get it! You're gorgeous! 
Now put some clothes on before you catch the death of you!

But of course it didn't matter, because she had the best accessory of all time on her arm (and I am not going to address the whole "Kristen Stewart Took a Shit in My Happy Place" debacle here - maybe another time but it bummed me out too much to write anything witty about it so probably not - moving on!) -

 A little "cat who ate the canary" smirking... Well played. *slow clap*


Rob wore green houndstooth (that apparently he apparently picked out and had custom made) and a fresh haircut. I kinda wish he hadn't gotten a haircut - he was almost at Rome Rob hair epicness! - and didn't loooove the suit, but the whole package was still magically delicious - 
He could wear puce polyester jorts and still be the hottest dude on the black carpet (sorry, wolf-pack).


Well now you're just being a TEASE! Carry on...

Stephenie looked amazing, too, and girlfriend has worn some dud outfits in past years.

London - *swoon*

Really the only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that there will be LOTS more red carpet struts in his future - near and distant. I am not keeping track, but I am pretty sure he already has something like 27 dozen other movies in the works. Give or take.

The other thing that makes me feel ok about the end of this particular era? All of you. The lasting friendships out there that started here and in other corners of the Twidom and have done nothing but get stronger over the years. But we'll have plenty of time to reminisce and plan future hijinks. For now, let's just stay in the moment and have our last Twilight-y SQUEEEEE moment. Tonight I will be in a local theater hopefully wedged between JJ and Myg (sadly LKW, Texas Katherine, and VitaminR couldn't be here for various reasons - *sniff*), where I will be squeezing their respective hands like my life depends on it and snot sobbing all over them (consider yourselves warned, ladies - bring wipes). Speaking of warnings, I have never actually seen a Twilight movie on opening night where it wasn't an adults-only group, so this should be...interesting. Please make sure the bail fund hasn't run dry because I am reasonably sure that "clocking a loud tween" is punishable (even though it shouldn't be).

We'll be coming back to post and hopefully we can all get uber-sappy, but more immediately, what are you all doing for this last hurrah??? Those of you who have been lucky enough to have already seen the movie, please no spoilers in the comments - and I MEAN IT. Don't make me come after you - I know where a lot of you live. Smooches!!!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A Sad Day in Forks...


Well, Twitards... lower your Team Edward flag to half staff. I have some sad news.

If you made the trek to Forks with the Twitarded crew the first year in 2010, you probably spent a ridiculous amount of time and money in Dazzled by Twilight. I know I did... If you made the trek in 2011, you might have tried to shop here but it may have been closed. It didn't keep the most regular hours last fall. And if you were lucky enough to get out to Forks for a third time this fall, you saw that the store was no longer in operation...it closed earlier this year. *sniffle sniffle*

Blue sky? In Forks?

It's too bad the folks that originally opened Dazzled by Twilight (and were so helpful and welcoming to our group that first trip) couldn't keep it running as a successful business. I guess that's what happens to a town whose tourist industry is fueled primarily by a movie franchise. Nothing gold can stay...

Even sadder news came out of the tiny town of Forks, WA yesterday morning. The building that housed the Dazzled by Twilight caught fire early Monday morning causing irreparable damage to the structure. When firefighters arrived on scene at 4am, they knew the building, built in 1925, could not be saved. The fire started in the three story building next to the store and then quickly spread to the vacant business after an explosion -- most likely a propane tank. Thankfully, no one was hurt. *sob sob*

Since I didn't make it to Forks this fall, I wonder if there was still loads of Twilight merchandise in the now bank-owned Dazzled by Twilight? Did no firefighter risk their life to rescue the poor innocent full-sized Edwards and full-sized Jacobs and full-sized Bellas? Did a family of cardboard standees perish in the flames? I shudder to think of the army of Edwards shriveling in the intense heat. *wails wails*

We all spent some quality time with a few of those standees. So you can imagine the pain runs deep. Farewell... FSE and FSJ.

Like I wasn't already sad enough with the final movie hitting theaters in just a few short weeks. And now this. *sigh* Can't things just go back to the way they were?

Sunday, September 30, 2012

If Trailers Were Honest

Remember when the Twilight trailer came out and we all huddled around our computers and watched it over and over again? Okay, maybe only Snarkier Than You and I did that. Or you guys are just lying and don't want to admit that you watched it on repeat, clutching your heart and sighing at every second Edward was onscreen.

I know you, people. I know how many times you watched it. Don't you fucking lie to me. 

That trailer was straight up magical. There will never be another trailer (not even the other Twilight trailers) that made me as excited for a movie as that original Twilight trailer.

Hell, it was better than the movie.

Anyway, ML sent this to me last week and I watched it a bunch of times too, but I didn't get the tingles or anything.

I laughed my ass off instead.



Not only do I love Twilight, I love things that make fun of Twilight. Because, it's hilarious.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

68 More Days, Twitards!!

Let me start off by saying, "Squeeeeeeeee!"


Oh, and I just wanted to mention, "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, mother fuckers!"


On the one hand, I'm so ridiculously excited for November... but on the other, I'm incredibly sad to see this amazing journey come to an end. Don't think just because the Twilight Saga is coming to an end, I'm going to stop loving any of you.

*sniff sniff*

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Yes, Edward, Mouses Have Wee-Wees.

I happened across this on Gawker today and after pausing to consider how sad it is and how lame a blogger it makes me to be getting my Twilighty updates from Gawker (seriously, I might need my key-card to the fandom revoked if I keep it up) I bounced right over here to make sure I shared the goodness. Because I know some of you lazy poor, misinformed people actually get your Twilight giggles from us and us alone (I'm sorry).

Friday, August 31, 2012

Craigslist Deals for Robert Pattinson!

So those of you who watched Robert Pattinson and his hair (I am still mad about the hat thing) on Jimmy Kimmel last week got to hear him talking about how he buys "everything" on Craigslist -



I might have a few things laying around that I can sell on Craigslist! Here's my listing:

Mixed Lot for Sale SUPER CHEAP!: Includes AWESOME vintage guitar (formerly owned by Van Morrison!), a gross of HotPockets (assorted flavors), too many ugly hats to count (for display purposes only - cannot be worn), invisibility cloak (great for hiding from paparazzi and rabid fangirls!). Buyer must be well-coiffed and willing to come to LatchKey Wife's basement for pickup. Of the HotPockets. You know, because they have to be kept frozen, not because we are going to do anything inappropriate.*

Seller is very VERY motivated to make a face-to-face sale [*ahem*] and is willing to negotiate (poorly) with inexplicably thrifty millionaires.

Serious replies only. Must include photo.

(*You should probably also shop for a lie detector - I hear Jenny Jerkface might have one for sale CHEAP on Craigslist. Local pick-up only, natch. Although I suppose she might be persuaded to deliver it to a hotel room in the city next time you're in town if you prefer...)

What would you sell to Rob on Craigslist?  Give us your best PattinBait in the comments but please keep in mind that it is illegal to sell sexual favors or body parts. Probably.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Tough Times for One of our Own

We got a really sad e-mail from one of our long-time readers and commenters yesterday. Our dear Vermonstermom has been through a lot in the last couple of years, including the loss of her father after a battle with Alzheimer's, and the fact that she can still form coherent sentences is amazing. Another tragedy has struck her family and she gave us permission to post her story below. I'm inserting part of the background from her husband's Caringbridge site. Click that little link-y right there for more info and to stay up to date on his progress.


First of all, thanks to all of you who have offered your prayers and thoughts and help to me, MJ and the girls.  It is the support and love of my friends, family and various communities that will get us through this I know.

The Story:  MJ took the girls to the West River in Dummerston VT to go swimming on Wednesday afternoon (8/22).  I was supposed to go but didn't (insert guilty feelings here).  Apparently MJ got into deep water with Abbi (our youngest daughter, 5) and must have found himself in distress somehow, maybe he swallowed some water, I have no idea really what happened.  It is my thought that he was trying to hold her above the water and found himself drowning.  Alice my 9 year old was trying frantically to get the attention of people on shore to help.  Miracle number one:  that there were other adults there to help as often you are alone at these swimming holes.  A woman came to Abbi's aid first and got her on to her shoulders, and was yelling for others to come and help MJ.  He was brought out of the water with no pulse, no heartbeat, not breathing, eyes open, and blue.  Second miracle:  someone there knew CPR (here's a plug for everyone to learn it).  He had never practiced it before, but it worked.  They brought him back and worked on him till the rescue and police arrived.  Someone had to run about 1/4 mile to get a cell signal to call 911.

MJ was taken to our local hospital, Brattleboro Memorial, where they immediately decided he needed more care than they were capable of providing neurologically.  So he was lifeflighted to UMass Worcester, about 2 hours drive from our house.  He is in ICU, on a respirator but he is currently (it's Friday afternoon now) initiating breathing on his own and the machine 'helps' him get a full breath.  Miracle 3:  they are not concerned about severe neurological damage at this time.  He is responding to requests to squeeze hands, wiggle toes, and can answer basic yes and no questions by non verbal means.  He can't speak due to the intibation tube down his throat.  He is pretty heavily sedated in order to tolerate that tube.

The main concern right now is his lung function.  His right lung has water/fluid in it and the xrays are "yucky" (didn't know that was a medical term, learn something new every day).  Medical team is waiting for the deterioration of the lung to stop, or to start getting better, before removing the intibation tube.  They don't want to have to take it out only to put it back in, running the risk of further infection.  He is bound to have pneumonia to some degree I expect.  He is on preventative antibiotics, is running a slight low-grade fever and that is being treated appropriately.

We are in a waiting game, which is not the one I want to play.  I want the "he sits up in bed and is ready to come home" game.  Not gonna get that.  This will happen in God's time, not mine.  I have had many voices speak supportive and encouraging words, have many friends, family and others praying and hoping for the best possible outcome for MJ.  I am optimistic that he will make a full recovery, this is my deepest prayer and wish.  I am beyond praying, I am begging God for this to happen.  I need my husband and my daughters need their father.

Her story really touched us. We are a crazy, drunk, dysfunctional, strange non traditional family here and if something happens to one of us, it feels like it happens to all of us. If you'd like to jump on the sparkly Twitarded bandwagon to help financially while her family's sole breadwinner is in the hospital, her PayPal address is vermonstermom@gmail.com. You can use the same e-mail address to send thoughts, prayers and hopes for a quick recovery.

Friday, August 17, 2012

We Came, We Saw, We Were Thwarted by Bad Hats.


Settle in and grab a glass of your favorite beverage, folks - this is going to be a long one!

As those of you following along at home know, Jenny Jerkface, Myg, and I were lucky enough to make a pilgrimage - along with Mama Cougar, Tatoo Mickey, Rob's Bitch and a handful of the Twitarded Faithful - to see The Precious in the flesh. Well, at least as much flesh as several layers of clothing will allow for... Although it would appear that there were certain...inadvertent errors made that may have allowed for a little more exposure than Rob had intended...or maybe it was an intentional, come-hither sign? Who can say, really?

I thought I felt my Twidar (er, or something) tingling...

But let's start at the beginning, since my memory is for beans and I need to record this event for posterity and many eventual rereads when I am old. er.

Somehow, some of us (Mama Cougar leading the charge!) managed to converge on the TimesCenter where the Q&A session was being held in time to get pretty damn close to the front of the line. I have to say that the venue and the staff there were awesome and the people on line were reasonable and not threatening to beat anyone who cut in to be with friends to death with a rolled up Twilight Cosmopolis poster. So even though Mama Cougar, Myg, and Tatoo Mickey had been in line for a couple of hours by the time I got there, I was able to hang with them. And then when Jenny Jerkface descended upon the place a couple of hours later, frazzled from an afternoon of threatening to kill everyone in her office if they didn't get their shit together so that she could leave the office in time, she was able to join us inside where the line had moved to just outside the theater.

There were only this many like-minded crazy people in front of us.

Mama Cougar wouldn't listen to me when I said I didn't want my picture taken with us standing and her on the floor, which is why I look like an alien photo-bombing Myg and JJ here.

I noticed some folks hauling a cold cut platter and some other stuff presumably to a greenroom. This was about the time that I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving, but I resisted the temptation to tackle them and steal Rob's food. Also, apologies to the chick who I inadvertently captured picking her wedgie, but that's the risk you take if you do it in public.

This was the last pic I snapped before my phone died. If you squint just right, you can make out that it's the stage (and the people who work there setting up the camera for the live stream). Maybe I should have tried to snag some of those cold cuts, because I didn't realize I was shaking when I took it but I am sure you all appreciate my way-awesome photojournalistic ninja skillz here. You're welcome. Anyway, we were really close - much closer than anyone in charge of protecting Rob should have allowed the likes of us. Clearly Bodyguard Dean must be on vacation or something.

I would say were were about twenty feet away. I'm a bad estimator, but we had four rows of seats in front of us and a small aisle. Somehow we managed to park ourselves directly in the center, which seemed like a good idea at the time but was right behind the cameras (getting in there and getting a seat was like playing musical chairs and once we sat down it would have been tough to relocate without going way far back).

I would have had an AWESOME seat had Rob been seated in the middle, but as is turns out I had a great view of David Cronenberg, who was fabulous and smart and witty and also is pretty hot for a 70-year-old but let's face it: he's no RPatts in the looks department.

Promptly at 6:30 after a brief introduction, Rob - that's right, we're on a first-name basis now but he doesn't know it yet - David Cronenberg, and the interviewer David Carr came out from the same side-door Manager Nick had emerged from a moment earlier. I had caught the briefest glimpse of a familiar-looking head when the person doing the introductions came out, and I have to say I was a little...crestfallen.

Rob was wearing a hat. A HAT WAS OBSCURING HIS HAIR. GAAAAAAH!!! I wasn't going to get to see The Hair or watch him run his hands through it compulsively for the next 90 minutes. It wasn't even the beanie (RIP, beanie, wherever you are); it was a stupid white baseball cap. Sorry, I hated it - and he wore this same get-up - complete with hat - for an MTV interview - SIGH!

According to JJ, I actually pouted when I realized he was wearing a hat. Then I totally made the "nooooooo" face. She may or may not have been able to hear my whisper of disappointment above the general din, including that of the REALLY emotional chick a row or two in front of us who started sobbing uncontrollably the second Rob appeared (maybe she was super-disappointed by the hat, too).

What I wanted: THIS (on GMA earlier that day).

 Or THIS (ringing the NYSE opening bell the day before). Although I may have stroked out if he had looked like this in my presence. A Twitard is only so strong...

What I got. Not that I am complaining. OK, I am complaining. But at least this gives me an excuse to go see him again someday because I kind of feel like I got cheated out of the full-on RPatts Immersion Experience.

Don't get me wrong - hat or no hat, I was transfixed from the moment he walked out that door. Poor Myg had to deal with my ginormous head in her seat-space the entire night because she had a better view. To her credit, she was a ridiculously good sport and was even game when I suggested we rush the stage about ten minutes in then they dimmed the lights to play a movie clip. I swear I felt like Bella sitting in science class when Mr. Banner played that movie and shit got REAL and electrically charged and stuff.

Honestly, maybe it was for the best that he was wearing a hat. If he had whipped it out off and ran his fingers through his hair, Myg and I definitely would have made a break for the stage while the lights were dimmed and could have had at least ten seconds in thrashing-actor heaven before we were hauled off to jail and/or lynched by the rest of the audience. Not that the actual logistics of doing this crossed my mind at any point that night. Nope not me. I think David Cronenberg had his eye on me while the lights were low - he seems to have a pretty keen understanding of people and I think he was on to me.

I think Myg might have said it best:
And also, hat and awkward clothing aside? He was absolutely magically beautiful in person. You cannot deny that. Maybe the hat and striped blue polo under the black jacket was to tone down the rainbows shooting out of his fingertips. Maybe he was purposely trying not to feed the estrogen dragon in the audience.
 Although JJ had a close second:
His fingers are like ET, but WAY sexier.
 This is totally true, btw.

 Anyway, here are--in no particular order--other related thoughts and shit that happened:

Maybe Rob put so much anti-frizz product in his hair he had no choice but to either start over and shower or wear a hat and he didn't have time so he put on a hat? I didn't have a hat handy but I definitely overdosed on anti-frizz product too so I totally understand, Rob.

If I HAD been wearing a hat, I would have taken it off in a nod to Rob's Bitch, who had the nuts to stand over a row or two of total non-Twitard strangers before this shindig started and say "Jenny and STY? Hi! I'm Rob's Bitch!" We love you, sweetie, and don't know how you look so pretty walking around with those huge balls swinging around between your legs. But carry on. This is why I love our corner of the fandom.

David Cronenberg is AMAZING - I have seen several of his films and was no stranger to his work but seeing him in person just blew. me. away. and while I was already committed to seeing this movie, I am 10x more so now. DO IT.

Yes, there was a moment when everyone sort of freaked out because David Carr brought up The Incident and people may or may not have overreacted a tad, but what can we say? We are very...protective of Rob.

When we got to the pre-submitted questions, one of the entries selected was from Mama Cougar, who despite having put together an excellent query would have pulled into herself like a turtle if she had been genetically designed to be capable of doing so. Rob totally looked in her direction so I get it and would have done the same thing. We love you, MC!

Also, at the very end people were handing him things before he made his way offstage and he accepted a hat and a few other items, and also stopped to sign a few autographs because he's a NICE GUY. But seriously people? PLEASE stop giving him hats! I don't want to encourage this kind of hair-covering behavior.

I also would be remiss if I didn't note that Rob drank a couple of bottles of water while on stage and spent an inordinate amount of time playing with one of the bottle caps. He was working it like Edward with his Snapple cap in Twilight. Not that I was paying ridiculously close attention, but he was even absentmindedly gnawing on it occasionally, picking it up and putting it in his mouth. The moment the door closed behind him when he exited the room and the glamouring that had been done on the audience to keep us from collectively having our way with him was broken, I watched a couple of younger women rush the stage to collect the bottles and ravaged cap. I was half horrified (it's possible I slightly shouted "you are making us all look bad!") and half ready to grab it and make a run for it when they showed it to me after I found them outside on the sidewalk giggling like a pair of gollums who had FINALLY gotten their hands on the ring. Or RPatts' DNA. One of those. The Preeeeeecious... They didn't speak English, but apparently "Holy shit Robert Pattinson had his MOUTH on this and now it's MINE! SQUEEE!!!" is universal.

Three parts appalled, two parts insanely jealous.

And now, my consolation prize: three minutes of Rob running his fingers through his hair:



I don't know about you, but I feel better now.

If you want to watch the entire conversation, here you go! Just relax and bring the whole box of wine closer to the computer. We won't judge. 

Monday, August 13, 2012

Me + Robert Pattinson. In a Room. It's ON.

Unlike many devoted Twitards out there, I have never actually had the good fortune to find myself in the presence of The Precious. And of course by "good fortune" I mean I have never camped out on a sidewalk for days in order  to possibly have the chance to get up-close and personal with Mr. Rumored-to-Smell-Like-Citrus-and-Tweed. I've never set-stalked him, I've never squealed at him at ComicCon, I've never gazed at him from a steel pen alongside a red carpet while waving a suggestive sign or a blow-up doll elephant.

 HFS STY was almost here?! I hope someone notified Bodyguard Dean!

All that is about to change!

I was at work a month ago-ish when I happened to pick the perfect moment to do what I do best while at work, which is distracting myself from anything work related by dicking around on Twitter. And there it was, my golden ticket to get aboard the Pattintrain: Robert Pattinson (along with David Cronenberg) would be doing a "TimesTalks" on August 15th, which is basically a moderated conversation with interesting people hosted by the New York Times. And I say "basically" because while I have been aware of the existence of said Talks, I never paid them much mind because they never allowed for the possibility of Robert Pattinson and me sharing the same physical space.

So they will be wearing tuxedos right? 
Because this has been my wallpaper since whenever Cannes was...
Plus I hear he may have started smoking again and I want to help with his...oral fixation.

Given all that has transpired recently, I was afraid this whole thing would be cancelled. I've heard rumors that he's been cancelling some of the press he was scheduled to do to promote the U.S. release of Cosmopolis. I freaked out a little when I got an update last week, thinking it was the "We are refunding your money" and/or "Only David Cronenberg will be attending" (not that I don't respect him buuuut....). Thankfully, it only pretty much let me know two things: they are on to his audience AND he doesn't want to talk about IT. No camping out, and no questions will be taken from the audience the day of the event.

But questions CAN be submitted in advance. What should we ask (I'll be there with Jenny Jerkface, Myg, Mama Cougar, and possibly some other assorted Twitarded folk)??? I was thinking of something along the lines of "If someone in the audience happened to be wearing Pattinson Panties, would you be willing to take them back to your hotel room for closer inspection?" Or not - I don't know; there are so many possibilities! Leave your serious (and wishful thinking) suggestions - along with anything else you want to say, as always - in the comments!

UPDATE: Just learned there is a live webcast - woot! It will be like having you all there...minus the hugging...
This event is being filmed and Webcast live on new.livestream.com/nytimes. Video of the event will be available on demand, also at new.livestream.com/nytimes.  

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Robert Pattinson Speaks Out. Eventually.

Ugh, the scandal. The cheating. There is so much flying back and forth on the interwebs -- the accusations, the tears, the rumors, the rabid unicorns -- but Robert Pattinson has been pretty mum.

Until now, apparently. On August 13th, according to Gawker, he'll be appearing on a talk show to discuss... stuff. And not just any talk show - JON FUCKING STEWART.

Now this? I'm not going to miss this for anything. Jon Stewart is an amazing and hysterical host. And I'll get to stare at Robert Pattinson's mouth while he talks.

Yanked from Gawker


Plus, I really want to hear what RPattz has to say about all this. Seriously, I suspect it would be a scandal in itself to miss this interview!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Did I tell you about the time...

... that I kinda sorta accidentally stole a Starbucks coffee - for JennyJerkface! - from some poor dude named "Moe" this past weekend while at BlogHer? No? Then you should definitely go read THIS!

We did and we did.


P.S. We'll be back later tonight-ish to regale you with more Twitarded goodness but in the meantime, you should definitely check out blogwaffles if you haven't already. We won't bite. Well maybe just a little bit but it will be like that time when Edward finally got to chomp on Bella and saved her life. Win-win!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Will Farrell is Broken Up Over the Break Up...

It appears Will Farrell is having a real tizzy over the recent breakup of our two favorite Twilight stars. Like seriously, he nearly lost his shit on Conan the other night.

I'll let him tell you about it in his own words.


Tuesday, July 31, 2012

And here I thought I was a cat person...

I love animals. OK I love eating some of them, but I love the ones that I don't view in terms of tastiness, too. As an adult, I have always had cats, but I'm an equal-opportunity rescuer and one day hope to give a dog a forever home. Or at least I was, until I saw this and started planning on my inevitable adoption of a baby walrus:



Yeah  yeah I know that eventually he will turn into one of those mammoth two-ton tusky beasts who eats his weight in whatever it is that walruses eat on a daily basis, and he'll have that weird "come-hither-lady-walruses" phallic thing flopping all over his face, but still. I showed this video to my MIL yesterday morning and she's already packing her bags from sunny Florida and heading to Alaska immediately. I am sure that "abandoned baby walrus nanny" is an in-demand profession there and we both decided it's probably something that pays really well and her son and I will come visit her and her huge surrogate baby as soon as I figure out how to get Mr. Snarky on a plane. Or maybe she should just have the lil' guy shipped to Florida (the walrus, not Mr. Snarky - although he really is overdue for a visit). They have a pool AND live on the water, plus they just got a new puppy who probably needs a friend. I see great things in our collective future.

If you don't melt a little when you see that big ball of baby walrus mush sidle up to that guy and practically climb into his lap, you should check your pulse because there is a strong possibility that you no longer have one and should seek help immediately.

Monday, July 30, 2012

We're Still Here!!

Last night, on Facebook and Twitter, the crew here at Twitarded attempted to introduce y'all to our new and eventually permanent stomping ground, blogwaffles!!


If you missed the brief Twitter trolling or links, go here to check it out. If you were on Twitter and wanted to know the answer to the question one of asked Norcaltwitard and Jaymes805, go here!

Actually, I don't think we ever tweeted the answer but it's yes.

Anyway, this post isn't really about promoting what we sure-as-hell hope will be the next chapter in this long and crazy trip we've all embarked on together.

It's to let you know we're still here. At Twitarded. We promise we're not leaving you and we would never take Twitarded offline. EVER. Hell, I wish we had somehow managed to turn this site into a book (complete with comments) so that I could be old and decrepit and look back on all of this because it's meant SO much to us.


This community is and has always been one of the most wonderfully surprising (and sometimes baffling) experience we've ever had. So we're not going anywhere. Yet. We've still got one final movie to go!

We're just S-L-O-W-L-Y relocating. And we hope you join us.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

This Guy Makes 50 Shades Sound Like Armageddon

Until now, I've never heard of Jon St. John. If someone asked me who he was, my first guess would've been porn star. It's a total fake-sounding porn-y type name. But Jon St. John is not a dick-swinging porn star -- far from it actually. JSJ is a voice actor and singer and is the voice of one Duke Nukem.


Nooooo... Duke Nukem isn't a porn star either. Although with a name like that, I'd kinda like to see him doing the horizontal monkey dance. If, of course, he wasn't a video game action hero who looks like a combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Willis with a cigar. He's like every movie action hero wrapped up into one fake video game dude with a porn star name.

Why, you wonder, do I keep trying to make these guys part of the adult film industry? Recently Jon St. John was asked to read an excerpt from "50 Shades of Grey" in his Duke Nukem voice and, well, it made me nearly spew ice tea all over my brand new laptop. I especially love that he doesn't even attempt to change the pitch of his voice when speaking Anastasia's parts.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Bacon Heals All Wounds

As the fallout continues from the Robpacalypse, you can almost hear the teenage angsty poetry being scratched out on recycled paper as "Let Me Sign" plays on repeat in the background. There's only one thing that can heal us in these trying times: Bacon.


No, not like that. Those things will get stuck in your throat. Or so I've heard...

I'm talking about delicious slices of pork belly. In our bellies. I recorded a show called United States of Bacon (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) on Food Network a while ago and just got around to watching it. They profiled several restaurants and one of them was in my backyard. (All of Texas is considered a Texan's backyard, even if it is a ten hour drive.) There's a new-ish restaurant in Austin called...wait for it...Bacon. Every item on the menu contains...wait for it...bacon. They even make their own...wait for it...bacon. 

Artist's rendition of TK

We were already planning a quick trip to Austin, so Mr. TK and I decided we were going to this restaurant if we had to murder everyone in our way to do it. And thus the pilgrimage began.

The back of the menu. The lighting was kind of funky, so all my pics have a pink hue.

I can tell you definitively this restaurant does not have a silent alarm behind the counter because they would have pushed it the moment I walked through the door, moaning and leaving a snail trail of drool behind me. It was like Sophie's Choice trying to decide what to order. When I was asked what KIND of bacon I wanted, I almost pulled a KStew and climbed over the counter to make out with the guy taking our order. (Too soon?)

 I want all the things!

I settled on a breakfast taco with eggs, cheese, avocado, tomatoes, and the house bacon the size of a steak. ((Homer moan))

Those weird-looking brown things on the right are actually super green avocados. Stupid funky light. Seriously though, that bacon was almost a half inch thick. (There's a crass joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.)

Mr. TK had a burger because, well, he's Mr. TK. 

This is the hickory bacon and it was quite delicious. Trust.

It might have been my imagination, but I think the proprietors clapped when we left. That could be because Baby TK chose to rip out her feeding tube while we were there and was waving around used medical supplies like a flag. Or because we were there with some friends and all of our children acted like they'd never ventured outside the house and "demolishing a small restaurant" was on their collective bucket list. That's ok. We'll be back. Next time I'm going to do one of those cleansing diets for two weeks before we roll in and we're gonna DO THIS THING.


 Amen.

What's the best piece of meat you've ever put in your mouth? (Ahem.)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

OH NO SHE DI-INT!!!! [Sister Snarky Guest Post!]

Oh yeah, she did.  


I had just gotten into bed last night and snuggled up to my best friend in the world, he’s bright, he’s warm, he’s  my iPad - when words of the tragedy were first leaked to the press.  At 9:33 PM, I sent my sister (Snarkier Than You) the following text:  “This just in - People mag reporting that KStew CHEATED on RPatts with her Snow White director!” Then I sat back and imagined her cursing because she fell off of her chair or bed or whatever she happened to be parked on.  I went back to the story and saw that it got even BETTER - “Oooh - US Weekly has photos!”
“NO!!!!!!”  “DOUBLE NO!!!!!” 
But the sad fact was - it was all true.  That foolish, foolish, twitchy girl had gone and done some nasty things with her (married with two kids) director from Snow White, Rupert Sanders.  The same guy who is married to the woman who played her mother in the movie.  Somehow this dramatically upped the EW! factor...
What followed was an entire day of some of the funniest, blow-beverages-out-your-nose emails that permeated my entire day.  Some highlights:

Snarkier Than You: She HAS been looking more vixen-y than usual now that I think about it... So that "cat who ate the canary" look in that comiccon pic i posted is explained. I hope she knows how to protect herself from rabid tweenagers. er, do they care about anyone but justin bieber?

 Mmmhmmm...

 Me (Sister Snarky):  I did think it was weird that she was wearing heels at Teen Choice...  She's a woman now.  
STY: Granted for someone who regularly wears chucks with designer minidresses it was an odd choice, but she does love the heels. and has rob to hold her up...  wait did you actually WATCH the TCAs???
SS: Hey, there was NOTHING else on!  The Bachelorette makes me want sacrifice myself for all womanhood.   P.S. - "Rupert"s wife "Liberty" looks like she could f*ck. Kristen. Up.  Just sayin. 
Jenny Jerkface:  LMFAO!  I told ML that KStew cheated and he snorted and said, "I could have told you that was going to happen" like he's the big KStew/RPattz authority and knows everything. 
Texas Katherine:  Was it still cheating if RPattz was there eating a Hot Pocket in the corner?  It's pretty plausible that someone named Rupert has a vagina. What's implausible is that someone named Rupert has seen a vagina. 
MYG:  And he's 40 and married? That's so f*cking Hollywood it's stupid. She could have made out with Dakota Fanning fifty times I'll bet, but where's the Kristen/Dakota scandal? Where? Shaking. My. Head.
E! immediately dubbed this “The Kristen Stewart Scandal!” (because E! puts ! on everything and everything is a scandal - because if it didn’t it would just be a channel that shows the Khardashians doing nothing all day).  
As we were all trying to make sense of this senseless, senseless act, confirmation that it was indeed true kept pouring in - starting with “Kirsten’s Shameful Admission” in which she called her full-on make-out session a “lapse in judgement” - duh.
TK:  Last time I had a lapse in judgement I bought a pair of shoes I couldn't afford. JUST SAYING.  Seriously, anyone who cheats on the mother of his children deserves to have his dick fall off. I didn't see the movie, but now I'm going to buy the DVD so his wife can get some additional money in the divorce. Once again, Team IDGAF comes out ahead. I want some chocolate. Can someone make that happen? 
Note:  We got side-tracked here for a bit when TK found some expired Nutella, JJ told her if it didn’t make her dry-heave she could eat it and then there was some talk of explosive bowels I think by TK but that might have been someone else, I don’t know - I got confused.  That’s a discussion for another day...
SS:  I do have to say (and you are all not gonna like it), there is something to be said for a guy who is all goofy and sweet and also really, really nice to look at, BUT...  If he is also not ummmm.... "skilled" in the areas that most men are not "skilled" in then even someone as hot as Rob could get boring.  There I said it.  Maybe K-Stew needed someone to throw her up against a car (that is a car, in the photos, right?) and take her.  It's hot.  The married with kids part is wrong, of course, but...
STY:  Ok i have to go find some really smoldering pics to erase the possibility of him being bad in bed from my mind (but you do have a point lol). 
Vitamin R:  Well, when you are supremely rich and famous by choice this is the shit you get to deal with. It might not be right but it is the way the world goes 'round when you are one of the most known couples on the planet. Again I ask, why all the secrecy with Rob and now this? Next thing we know she will be stealing stuff at Barney's.
Another note:  We digressed again when it was suggested that perhaps if she was going to cheat it should have been with The Huntsman, because Miley Cyrus would want to beat her up and that would be fun but then I had to point out to everyone that The Huntsman is Thor and while he is married with a new baby, he is not in fact engaged to Miley, that is the guy from The Hunger Games and therefore that death-match is off.  It was pointed out to me that I know a lot of useless information.

Wait WHAT?! I will cut a bitch!

Vitamin R:  Maybe this drama will lead to song writing and Rob will release his break-up album. I actually hope that doesn't happen...
STY:  Nothing fuels musical fire like an ugly breakup, that's for sure...  Somewhere, Oregano (which I know isn't his real name but that's all I know him as - KStew's ex who she cheated on with RPatts) - is laughing. 
Kristen issued a public apology to Rob, “Rupert” issued a public apology to his family but not one freaking person issued an apology to all of us who spent our entire day talking about this ridiculousness...
What do you think of this latest development in the new Breaking Dawn saga?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

50 Shades of Amazon.com

So today I was doing what I do best when I should be working, which is semi-mindlessly online-shopping for random things I don't really need but will probably buy anyway. I was in the market for a new eye mask to replace the one I bought at the dollar store last year (can you BELIEVE it didn't hold up?! I wonder if they accept returns...). Since I semi-accidentally signed up for Amazon Prime and get free two-day shipping on most anything, those under-$10 purchases have been piling up (seriously, Amazon, if you knew how much of a difference this has made in my willingness to click "add to cart," you would just give everyone this option for free and make a gajillion more dollars than you already do now).

 That's cute but I wish it came in black...

As anyone who shops on Amazon (and who doesn't?) knows, they like to entice you with things that other people who have bought what you are buying also bought. Or shopped for. Whatever - it's like that time when everyone who bought Creative Cursing also shopped for copious amounts of Twilight merchandise.

Call me naive, but if you had asked me what people most frequently purchase when they purchase eye masks and ear plugs, I would have guessed maybe a book on how to get better sleep, perhaps a white noise machine, or a Fodors travel guide or some sort. But what do people REALLY purchase most often with eye masks and ear plugs? Whips and butt plugs. Ben wa balls and ball gags. Fuzzy handcuffs. Sex swings and cock rings. Lube. Am I the only one who's never associated Amazon.com with crotchless panties and  cat-o-nine tails??? 

I blame you, Fifty Shades of Gray, for making me look at sex toys while at work. Oh, and speaking of MotU, the "50 Shades of Pleasure Bedside Companion - Sex Secrets That Hurt So Good" was also offered, presumably a guide for when shouting "DAMMIT, JUST FUCKING DO IT LIKE FIFTY!" in the throes of passion is not enough to evoke the desired performance from your mate.

Frequently Bought Together

Dream Essentials Snooz Silky Soft Eye Mask - Black + Cat of Nine Tails Whip - Leather Whip + Sexy Soft Steel Fuzzy Black Furry Handcuffs Hand Cuffs
Price For All Three: $15.15

These items are shipped from and sold by different sellers. Show details
Buy the selected items together


So much for a relaxing night's sleep...

Monday, July 23, 2012

Open Letter to the Guy Who Caught Me Staring at His Package on the Elevator

Dear Ridiculously Emaciated Man with Absurdly Tight Skinny Jeans:

I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you or made you uncomfortable this afternoon. Truly. I stepped on the elevator with a co-worker thinking we were just going to do a quick bodega run for some Gatorade and the next thing I knew I was totally mesmerized by the gigantic python you were hiding in your jeans.



Well, "hiding" is the exact wrong word, I guess. I have never seen a tighter pair of jeans on a man before. I mean, this is New York City and hipsters walking around in skinny jeans are as common as pigeons and the homeless but... yours were really tight. I'm nearly positive that I actually saw the outline of your glans. In fact, the sheer tightness alone was nearly as impressive as your member that was straining against the denim because, seriously, I think your legs were thinner than my forearms.
 
Also, I'm pretty sure that kind of constriction isn't good for your sperm count. Just saying. 

Missing: your gigantic man-package.

I was really hoping you wouldn't notice me gaping but I guess it was pretty obvious when I trailed off in mid-sentence, my brain unable to forms words and wonder how your skeletal limbs could even hold up your body, let alone the massive thing lurking behind your zipper at the same time.

Still, I tried to hide my fumble but when our eyes met, I knew you saw me staring. You flicked a lock of shoulder length, greasy hair from your gaunt cheek like one of those shampoo commercials on TV (if they starred the hipster elite) and I could see the disdain in your glassy, hungover eyes.

I admit I felt a little defensive. You are like the penile equivalent of women who run around with their tits practically flapping in the breeze but get morally offended when a few gazes slant their way. It's HARD not to look, okay???


Okay, really, what WAS in your pants? A codpiece? A jock strap? A semi-automatic sex rifle? If you truly were hiding a horse cock, I can see why you were so, well, cocky, because honestly, there wasn't much else special about you.

But you sure acted like you're the best thing since sliced bread. You rock on with your well-endowed self, Dirk Diggler Wannabe.

Regardless, I am sorry if I caused you and your apparently gigantic bologna pony to feel judged upon. Even if that was exactly what I was doing.

Love,
Jenny Jerkface